Exciting New Opportunity: Third University Business Development Manager

19 Jul

Reference Number: Third-BDM

Job Description

Third University is a dynamic ideas-factory, which is seeking to exploit the intellectual capital of its participants as it prepares them for an austere life on benefits. We believe that everyone has an equal right to unemployability and we will do everything in our power to make everyone unemployable. We started in 2010 in a back-street boozer in Leicester, and are now looking to optimise our de-growth potential through this key post of Business Development Manager in our Hollywood (Birmingham) branch. We offer a monumental non-entrepreneurial opportunity, letting you use your unemployability skill-set to grow your own austerity-driven client base by selling consulting services and non-staffing/de-skilling solutions to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Requirements

  1. Must have previous experience selling successful staff de-augmentation solutions, or relevant HR experience as appropriate.
  2. Must have a minimum of 5-10 years of prior experience working on unemployment projects.
  3. Must have prior experience with unemployability to a high level, preferably with FTSE100 companies.
  4. Must be able to meet a quota of 1-10 units [humans] made unemployable per annum.
  5. Must be energetic, have a positive attitude towards unemployability, and be able to define #coffeelols
  6. Must love to work collaboratively to enforce austerity.
  7. Must have excellent written and oral communication skills when making people unemployable. Persuasion and negotiation skills are critical.
  8. Must be able to bullshit. First impressions are critical to unemployability.
  9. Must have a degree in Business, or equivalent croquet experience, with a focus on marketing unemployability.
  10. Must be committed to equality in the face of austerity.

Responsibilities

  1. Work off of a target list of companies that are in Third University database and to develop new unemployability opportunities.
  2. Identify key decision makers in companies, in order to establish professional relations and de-grow business.
  3. Identify market de-growth potential through the *science* of divination, otherwise known as economics.
  4. Close unemployability sales by building rapport with potential clients, through key contacts hiring managers.
  5. Explaining service capabilities and preparing contracts ready for austerity and unemployability.
  6. Negotiate contract rates with clients, with a focus on company unprofitability goals and objectives.
  7. Recommend our other unemployability services and consultants to *help* meet clients’ needs
  8. Forecast Monthly Unemployability Goals, build a great pipeline [WTF?] and measure prioritised business results.
  9. Attend unemployment networking events to build clientele relations and community support.
  10. Manage unemployability consultants on client sites to ensure unemployability performance is above satisfaction.

Check our Customer Charter to learn more about us.

NOTE: we pay an excellent base salary of nothing, with no commission, zero bonus, absolutely no profit-sharing, with nil paid vacation, and other great benefits.

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One Response to “Exciting New Opportunity: Third University Business Development Manager”

  1. Terry Wassall July 19, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    I must say I’m very tempted to apply for this post. In some ways I feel I have been preparing for this all my life, ever since my very first infant school teacher, Mrs Renwick, said that I would never amount to anything. So, up yours Miss. As far as qualifications go, I have probably made more students unemployable than you could shake a fish at. I’ve never played croquet but I do still occasionally bath in a pair of woollen crocheted swimming trunks my mother made for me (photo on request). But if I am successful in my application I will lose my unemployability street cred.

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